Toxic

Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won't heal? Your eyes have died but you see more than I. You're a star in the face of the sky. 

He was soundly asleep when she came into the room. She slipped into her night gown leaving her mascara on and crawled into bed next to him. It was already 3am when she got back from work, and another 30 minutes spent in the kitchen before she finally got upstairs. She listened to his breathing as she noted each breath he took each minute. She remembered everything that happened this morning, every single detail and every single word as if it played on repeat on her mind the whole day.

When she woke up earlier that morning, she saw him sitting by the window on his favourite chair, stiff and numb. Not moving. He has been like that for the past two months. She felt like walking to him, to offer a comforting embrace. But she didn’t. She knew he’d never want to talk about it. She knew it hurt him a lot. And it still and will always hurt him a lot. Every single day passed by so quickly. So quickly for her. Slowly for him.

“Scott.. “ She called out softly as she carelessly slipped out of her night gown and into her bathrobe. He didn’t stir nor budge. He remained helpless in his chair. And as always, like every morning, she let out a sigh and stepped into the shower after yet another failed attempt of communicating with him.

After few minutes that almost felt like seconds to her, she stepped out of the shower to find him lying on the floor, staring up the ceiling. She gasped and knelt down by his side. His eyes closed peacefully and his lips perfectly lined a smile.

“Scott!” She shook his shoulders softly then more aggressively when he didn’t move. She could almost hear his breath fading off. She started crying, she sobbed like never before. She buried her face into his shirt and never stopped sobbing.

“Lyla…” He called her name softly.

She pulled her head back and cupped his face. “Yes Scott.. Yes.. I’m here..” She cried between uncontrollable sobs. It has been a while since he actually called her name.

“I’m sorry I’m such a failure to you… I’m sorry I can never make you happy.. I’m sorry, Lyla..”

That’s when he opened his eyes for the first time after months, and caught her straight in the eye. She dared not look into them.

“You’re a coward Scott! You worry too much! You’re selfish! Everything is all about you and nothing about me! You took everyone who loved you for granted! You’re so selfish, Scott! You’re such a coward! You could’ve fought back”

“You don’t know what I’m going through, Lyla! I didn’t ask for any of this! I didn’t ask to be diagnosed with the worst psychological problem any experts have ever encountered!”

“NO Scott! There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s no disease. It’s just you, you, you. It’s all about you. You worry too much. You are scared of everything, Scott. You’re scared of changes; you’re scared of moving on. You are pleased to stay in that comfort zone you created yourself.”

“Lyla, I have a problem. I know I have a problem but I don’t know how to get out of it”

“It’s okay, Scott.. You’re never a failure to me, never. I’ve lived the happiest years of my life with you. I’ll take care of you for as long as I can, Scott. But sometimes, I get so tired. I get so tired of all this, Scott. It’s depressing. But I’ll always be by your side. I’ll never stop. I’ll be here to help you in any way but first, you have to help yourself. I’ve reminded you over and over again, you should let go of the past. You can’t go on forever haunted by your past. It’s already been 3 years, Scott. 3 years.”

“Lyla, carry me to bed. I want to sleep till I die” And she carried him to bed, tucked him under his blanket and let him drift away. She sat at the edge of the bed and cried her heart out. She wanted to run, so many times she have thought of running. So many times, she wanted to disappear and never have to see him again. But she knew, she knew if she did that, she’d not only ruin his life but hers as well. He needed her as much as she needed him although it’s hurtful.

And even if she did, she’d still keep running back to him as he was her comfort zone as much as she was his.