Forgive me

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  • itot
  • 11 years ago
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Mama,

I texted him today with mixed feelings. I've always liked him for he's a dear friend, and reliable too. The thing is, he's married. So ok, he is a friend, JUST a friend, and his marriage shouldn't bother me, right?
Wrong.


He is married to my other friend, the one I had a crisis with. It was my mistake, I admit, but it wasn't only MY mistake. She had her share too. But I felt guilty, I really did that I cried, and I apologised to her. I doubt that she has ever forgiven me. That makes me feel unsettled, until this very moment. If i could turn back the time, to the night when I hurt her feelings that she was so saddened and surprised, and she trembled with disappointment as she stood upon my door, I would. So that I would not cross the line, ever. Let her hurt my feelings, let her make me sad or angry that my head bursts, I wont budge. I wont get provoked. But I did, once, and things turned out really, really bad. I couldn't erase things that had happened, so I must accept that what I did was wrong. Was so wrong that no matter what I said was the reason behind my doing, it was still wrong.


Sometimes I feel that apart of my huge guiltiness towards her, it's not as haunting as my guiltiness towards him. Although he never said a word about the crisis I had with her, i know he knew. I wasn't so sure whether he took sides, but I could feel that he was quite distant after the crisis. He should be, she was his forever-girlfriend anyway.


Now back to what I really wanted to say. I'm suffocated with the urge to maintain my beautiful relationship with him, and with her too, yet at the same time too disturbed with this guilty feelings within me. I'm not sure whether he would read this letter, but if he did, mama, he would know this is about him. And about her, his wife. I'm really, really, truly, sorry for the mistakes I made, and I hope you two could forgive me.


I long for a friendship between us three, I really do, and since I was the one who ruined it, I apologise. But i guess it won't really matter come tomorrow, for I know three is always a crowd and blood is already pouring out from my wrist, mama. Its unstoppable.

Love,

Anna.

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  • 1) what is the mistake actually?
  • 2) hmm.. ada sedikit confusing lar tot. mungkin kerana tot punye ayat2 tu panjang sangat that the meaning got lost somewhere in between the lines. contohnye ayat ni: If i could turn back the time, to the night when I hurt her feelings that she was so saddened and surprised, and she trembled with disappointment as she stood upon my door, I would.

    ayat ni mcm terlalu panjang dan kene bace dua kali utk memahami maksud ayat tu (or is it just me? kerana sudah terlalu bengong membaca jurnal? huhu). Pastu kan, macam tak sure ada ke perkataan guiltiness? maybe better tot sebut guilt je kot. ke? hihi malas nak google cari ada perkataan guiltiness ke x :p

    tetapi ending cerite ini sangat best. tot mmg pandai buat twist. (hmm cume musykil kenapa mesti ade je org yg mati ek? hihi. eh tp yg ni blum mati lagi kot :p)

  • (Author)
    3) syud,
    entahnye si anna ni, quite secretive she is. Eh, was.

    nia,
    oh, thanks for the comment ;) (tapi malas nak edit, bley? uhuks)
  • 4) yeah, actually what happened?
    please tell me
    i've lost my sleep thinking about thins
  • 5) wow tot! did she die did she? uuuuhh!!
  • 6) She wrote the letter while her wrists were gushing out blood? She's definitely strong willed.

  • (Author)
    7) ucu,
    I can't tell. In part II perhaps I will. If there is a part II la. Dah dah Ucu, pi tido. ;)

    Reasy,
    Er tah? :P

    Friction,
    aah ek? She must be really strong-willed (to die or to write?). Or perhaps, she cut her wrist (just one side here, i don't want the letter all smeared with blood) when she reached the last paragraph. :D
    Eh Friction, a new member ey? Welcome to Kapasitor! ;)

    p/s: Actually, I was so lazy to spend another few minutes thinking of a more proper ending. Huhu, my bad.
  • 8) Well, a small detail. Doesn't shadow the overall quality of your writing :). Yup, a new member. Thank you for the welcome.

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