Mama,
I texted him today with mixed feelings. I've always liked him for he's
a dear friend, and reliable too. The thing is, he's married. So ok, he
is a friend, JUST a friend, and his marriage shouldn't bother me, right?
Wrong.
He
is married to my other friend, the one I had a crisis with. It was my
mistake, I admit, but it wasn't only MY mistake. She had her share too.
But I felt guilty, I really did that I cried, and I apologised to her.
I doubt that she has ever forgiven me. That makes me feel
unsettled, until this very moment. If i could turn back the time, to
the night when I hurt her feelings that she was so saddened and
surprised, and she trembled with disappointment as she stood upon my
door, I would. So that I would not cross the line, ever. Let her hurt
my feelings, let her make me sad or angry that my head bursts, I wont
budge. I wont get provoked. But I did, once, and things turned out
really, really bad. I couldn't erase things that had happened, so I
must accept that what I did was wrong. Was so wrong that no matter what
I said was the reason behind my doing, it was still wrong.
Sometimes
I feel that apart of my huge guiltiness towards her, it's not as
haunting as my guiltiness towards him. Although he never said a word
about the crisis I had with her, i know he knew. I wasn't so sure
whether he took sides, but I could feel that he was quite distant after
the crisis. He should be, she was his forever-girlfriend anyway.
Now
back to what I really wanted to say. I'm suffocated with the urge to
maintain my beautiful relationship with him, and with her too, yet at the same time
too disturbed with this guilty feelings within me. I'm not sure whether
he would read this letter, but if he did, mama, he would know this is about
him. And about her, his wife. I'm really, really, truly, sorry for the
mistakes I made, and I hope you two could forgive me.
I long for a friendship between us three, I really do, and since I was the one who ruined it, I apologise. But i guess it won't really matter come tomorrow, for I know three is always a crowd and blood is already pouring out from my wrist, mama. Its unstoppable.
Love,
Anna.
