That night, I had a dream;
The carnival isn’t closing any time soon. I don’t understand why we have to leave. There are six of us. And he (the guy who broke my heart) is there too. So everyone gets into cars. I don’t know where my car is. Perhaps I don’t have it with me. So I get into the car that he drives. It’s a different car from the one he owns. I should know, because I know his car, very well. I sit at the back, it’s a safer choice. I wouldn’t want to have awkward moment if I take the front seat. I close the door and find about 2 to 3 pair of heels at the back seat. Those aren’t really nice but those are definitely women’s shoes. So I thought these must be his girlfriend’s. I say, “Why are you driving your girlfriend’s car? Where’s your car?”. He smiles and he says, “Just ‘cause”. All right, that’s a good enough answer. Why should I care if he drives his girlfriend’s car, I don’t have the right to know why. So I look away and bury my thoughts into the outside view. He drives fast. Like he always do. He says, “This isn’t my girlfriend’s car. It’s my sister’s. I sent my car to the workshop”. He gently puts on a smile and look at the mirror, to find me. And I don’t want to ask anything anymore because I like this answer, wouldn’t want to know anything else, except that. I smile and look away.
That night, I had this dream. He looked just like him in the real life. Dreams are supposed to be real?
I drive through the hazy air. It’s my contact lenses. I couldn’t see clearly at nights. I have Coldplay’s The Scientist on and I sing along to it. Knowing every single word and every single beat. I am always known to love the song, during my college years, a friend would tease me saying, “You need someone to love you”. And this song actually made my ex-boyfriend getting me back, together again (for a little while). Flashbacks, I thought, just makes it harder to breathe and see in this car. I let them go.
This is quite a bumpy road. But I drive fast, I don’t know why. It’s not like I have anyone waiting for me at home. I don’t have my favorite series on TV tonight. I drive till I get at the back of a car. My heart starts to beat faster. I know this car, it’s him. He whom I haven’t seen for months now. I blink couple of times hoping my sight would be clear. There it is, the flat number. It’s him. My cellphone rings, I bend my head down to reach for it and then, damn it!, I hit his car.
I get out of my car, looking at the fresh dents on his car. I look at my Merc, nothing. Shit!. He gets out, looking calm and relaxed.
“Why the hell did you stop like that?!” I shout at him
“Holes everywhere. Why the hell did you follow me so closely?” he says calmly
“I did not! You drive like shit. You always drive fast! I thought you’ll be fast”
“I don’t drive fast on roads like this”
“Well…I was trying to get my cellphone…”
“I thought so…don’t worry about this.I got it”
“No, you can’t get it! I hit you, I need to pay”
“Nah, it’s fine. I can fix this”
“No, look! It’s really terrible. Look!”
“It’s all right. This is the least I can do”
“Over what? For breaking my heart?!”
“Let me tell you something about not being in plan. Meeting you, knowing you. That wasn’t in my plan either. But the thing about life is, you don’t always get what you’ve planned. Sometimes you have to accept someone in front of you. Look them in their eyes. Never occurred to you why fate brought us to meet each other in the first place? Bust the plans, it’s what fate is all about. You can’t control…But anyways, like you said, I was never in your plan, so…sorry for ruinning it for ya!” I shout out everything. I lost it there.
He looked clueless, but I know a lot of things are going on in his mind. I walk fast to my car, tyring to hold the tears. I can’t be seen crying in front of him. I’m supposed to be fabulous. I take my reverse and put the gear to D, I drive away.
She who doesn’t know that the opposite truck coming, without a doubt, drunk and losing control, of the bumpy road. With only seconds, Boom! Her car is thrown away rapidly and horribly, to the side of the road, only metres away from him. He is stunned, looking at her car flying about, like in the movies, before his very eyes. “Oh my god, Rissa!”. The sound of the crash makes his heart forgets to beat, for few seconds. He is hoping that this isn’t happening. Running towards the blue Merc, he screams, “Rissa! Damn it , Rissa!”
She doesn’t move, only the blood, lingers through her face, down from her head. She is unconscious. He pulls her out, lay her down on his lap, still calling her name. He taps her gently, then a little more harder and he taps her again with all his strenght, hoping that she wakes up. “Come on Rissa! Open your eyes! Open your eyes! Hear me…please”. She doesn’t move. He looks at her, this time, really look at her, like she always wanted. This is the girl, who believes in me. This is the girl who deserves to live. He holds her so tight until the rescue team arrives.
They are bringing her to the emergency room, pushing the strecher away, away from him and her friends, who came immediately when they receive the call. Now all eyes looking at him, trying to get the real story, and a lot more. How, Why, When, What…
“She might lose some memories. She might not be able to recognize some people. But she’ll recover in time, just help her remember, tell her stories, anything to remind her. She should be all right then.”, the doctor leaves the room.
“Okay now, can do you remember Nurul?”, Mai asked. She nods
“Good, do you remember Hana?”
“Yes” she nods
“Good. That’s pretty much everyone. You doing good Riss.”
Everyone leaves the room to take a break. They haven’t been eating anything ever since she opens her eyes. Now there’s only Mai and her. Mai leans closer trying to say something looks secretive.
“Riss…one more person I want to put on test”
“This is really important”
“Riss…do you recall ****?”
“….I don’t know who he is…is he…someone important to me?”
“….no. No”. Mai looks away, hiding her face.
She doesn’t remember. It’s nothing about him in her mind right now. Her friend doesn’t even planning on helping her to remember. Maybe it’s for the best, Mai thought.
He opens the door slowly, trying not to wake her up, but she’s already awake. She looks at him,
“Sorry, did I wake u?”, he says
“Who are you?” she says
“You don’t know me?”, he says
“I don’t know…I had an accident. Do I know you then? Have we met?”, she says
“I planned not to…and now it came true” he says.
He leaves, nothing more is left. It’s a good clean up, he thinks. Mai waits outside, seeing him, shaking her head signing a “Don’t you ever”. “I can go now”, he whispers to himself.
(**** is the guy’s name. I feel that it’s hard to figure out a name for him. Beyond my ability. I’m sorry for that.)