ain’t habitual in writing letter. Ain’t habitual in composing words in grace.
Ain’t habitual in expressing each feelings even just an ‘a’ written in a sheet
of vocal, even more than that.
I had written seven letters. Shamely, I
couldn’t send to whom I meant to. Because I am shy. I am shy when I had to catch her eyes, feel the flare of love
I couldn’t bare. I am shy when I had to hand my hand over her, wish that she
grip it then started to read my letters before me. Then you must be asking, why
didn’t just I send it by post. Know what? I’m a man. I feel more ashamed if I
reveal my unmanliness right before her. Know what? A man should bravely
stand-forth his feeling directly toward woman whom he love most. Unliked me.
found them on the stack in my lowest self cabinet. Unfolded. Since I don’t want
them got rampled by folding like wrinkles in my face slowly growing old. I took
a glance, born a smile. And like a longing a purposely sit on side the windows
around sunset, reading them one by one.
I just need to fold the longing, to hide
it under my pillow. Since tonight I am desirously dreaming of you.
Don’t you remember over that night, when
we both written down lots verses of dream on a blank paper? Then we carefully
folded it into a tiny place that is flying into the highest sky?
And don’t you remember on the night of
the next fourteenth month, I brought a piece of moon to your home without
knocking the door first. And place it right on your lap. For you to see how
much is my sacrificing for you.
For good, I’ve made it completely , a
boat, enough for both of us to ride
across the ocean of life. I had prepared two angles for us angling fishes as
foothold in life. Therefore we can’t get starving.
Calm down, this boat has a strong roll.
It won’t easily get shake. Since I had learnt long enough to know the wave and
control it down. Believe that?
Our new home is only covering with a
cement floor not a tile floor. Therefore you couldn’t lay down there. It’s not
good for health. No ceilings, only old roof-tiles given by a neighbor as
wedding gift. So that we can hear rain’s hum, he said.
But I’ve prepared a mattress, an old
kapok mattress I bought in lowest price. No bed, no pillow, no bolster, nor even
a blanket. Since you have me, who became all of them.
We haven’ t have a vehicle. But doesn’t mean we cannot go out for
a journey. Relax, still we can feet on
wet grass on weekend. Still, we can eat fried chicken at stall next to the restaurant.
Still, once a while we can enjoy the deep woods, enjoy the nature.
Up to you. Just don’ take me up to the moon.
I ain’t Sukab who was able to cut off twilight
into a piece of postcard. Nor I Sapardi who was able to express his love towards
winds, towards cloud, towards each essences of life. Since I am just your
husband, an ordinary civil employee who only know how to calculate numbers and
spelling each logic verses.
I wish to state a longing but can’t. I
wish to enjoy a honeymoon still can’t.
Forgive me, I had gone out of town for
work. Leaving you there lonesome. Yet,
it hasn’t been over two whole months we can get along intimately.
You had already asking unripe mango just
yet these two whole month we grip our
hand together , embracing body. Yet, mango isn’t in season. There are only
durians, lanseh, rambutans, that even get sale on market. But you keep whining
for unripe mango and threat not gonna eat rice nor have a bath, nor sleep with
I went to Karawang, to Bekasi . They said
no mango around. I keep going to Indramayu until Ajibarang the center of
banana. Still, No mango around. Till, I run out money so I can’t go home.
I want to make you proud. I’ll do anything to make you happy. That’s why I’m
okay even I had to walk along edge of train’s rail glancing to each yards of
houses lining tidily on left and right side. No unripe mango. Not even a single
Then I went home with head bent over.
Suddenly, at time I arrived in front of
the house, you embrace me, ignoring the stingiest smell over my body. Cause for
days not having bath. Unless by sweats. (and I see on the table, there is a
plate of unripe mango , not knowing who gave it from)
eighth letter, just seven. And seven are enough. And even are just seven, it’s
enough to make me dropping tears since one by one carried out memory and
journey. Since everything is my longing for her, that now is no longer around.
Since… ah, I’m not sure.
the wall, right above our bed, is placed a pictured with two sweetest smiles to
memorize. I’m still looking for second. Looking her face I could no longer see.
I’m crying, for over again
I get down the picture. I look at it once again. It’s time saving the longing,
to neutralize the sadness. However, something’s wrong in there. Seems a paper,
emerge revealing itself. And it is a paper that neatly folded and purposely
slipped. Slowly, I open and read it.
To my dearest husband…
Do I still alive when you found out my
I guess not. Since you won’t have time
taking care the small thing in this house. Moreover , to face our memory.
Unless you want to tidy up this house to clean up your longing over me that you
could no longer see.
Dear, I am already die, aren’t I ?
Fine, it’s ok. Don’t you cry back there.
Cut it, change your nature that can get easily worried. A man must be
strong-hearted. I admitted, that’s why I never be able to tell my sickness
over. I’m afraid interrupted your mind.
I want to tell a secret. Did you know? I
had read all your seven letters. Secretly. Don’t get angry, Ok?
You first letter tell about a longing? Did you write it when we were still
You said you hide the longing under your
pillow. Know what? I found that longing
and hide it in the other place. Since I don’t want to appear in your dream. I
more want you to come to mine and speak the longing by gambling with me. It
seem impossible for that.
Your second letter moved me. Of course I
remember that day. At that moment, you shyly put the ring on my finger,
expressing love for the first time, although it has been over three whole
months we were dating. Did you know? I was truly happy. Moreover when you
embrace and kiss me warmly.
And for the moon, I’m still keeping it.
Till I’m writing down this letter, still
keeping it in deep down my darkest heart. Since you have read this letter you
should take it back ( I placed it on the leftist enclosure).
Do you remember the absolute condition
for woman your wife become? You said it back then, that the woman should be
willing to live in common neighborhood. Thus, I enjoying our old house without
ceilings, without bed, and our journey in each weekends ( without riding a
vehicle). If there is just you, I’d be very happy.
Cause you know, I love you so.
Ah… you admire him most, don’t you? Till
you quote him in your letter. It’s fine. I admire him too. But not more than I
admire you so. Since you are more than that, you brought moon over my lap.
I laughed reading your seventh letter.
Sorry, that time I was really upset. And you, then leave for days looking for unripe mango. And just
arrived, I made you jealous by not telling who gave the mango on the table
Okay, I’ll tell you, that mango come from
our neighbor. She has mango’s tree back yard. Didn’t you notice? Therefore, I
told you to be more aware to our neighborhood. Noticing them. Don’t just stick
around the home for reason tired after work. Okay?
However, I’m happy. Truly happy. Cause
you actually still willing to sacrifice for me.
I’m not crying while writing down this
letter. Therefore, you also cannot cry while reading it.
Hah.. I’m already gone, aren’t I ? and
forgive me, if the baby also gone with me.
Take a good care
( Don’t I keep my promise? To love you
till the day I die?)
wife, Zane, who love you so.
I cry, a deep cry. Tears drop wetting the paper before I folded it like before.
Then I put it back to where it was. On the secret chamber, the hiding place of
character in “Sepotong Senja Untuk Pacarku” by Seno Gumira Adjidarma
one of the best poetry in Indonesia