From My Desk: Marriage

Disclaimer: I just had a two-hour sleep last night so there is a tendency for the thoughts to be in total chaos so bear with me.

Marriage; a topic that I always approach with a mixed feeling. One moment I felt ready and the next, I swear I wouldn’t even touch it even if someone put a pump gun beside my head. Approaching my late 20s, leaving the ‘I-don’t-give-crumb-cakes-what-happens’ (or so people tell me so), I know that my family especially, are beginning to wonder when I’m settling down.

A question that honestly, I ask myself every now and then. But then again, that is the drawback of having conversations with yourself. You will not be able to get the answer that you need to hear.

I once had a conversation with a dear friend, asking if my mother is pressuring me to get married. Not because he is busybody but he’s a Chinese and for him, usually Malays get married early. And no, I don’t think he’s being racist.

OK, sorry for being sidetracked.

We were talking over pre-dinner (conversations with me usually involves food, to the surprise of no one) and well, a girl can always dream. I started citing the characteristics that I want in a partner. Included, but of course not limited to, are the guy has to be my good friend, my guide and a leader to my family.

‘ Isn’t that too much to ask from a person?’

I was forced into shutting my mouth. I mean just from talking, not chewing the food.

What I understand is in Islam, we are instructed to get married in order to guard their chastity. It is also to improve the generation, creating a stronger Muslim community, enjoying the emotions and protecting the religion as well as faith, among others.

 As in Surah An Nur Verse 32:

 “Marry the unmarried among you and the righteous of your male and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from his favors. Allah is bountiful and knowing.

What am I going to write next is not meant to defy the verse mentioned above. it is going to be an internal dilemma.

Now, here’s the thing, I am at some level, is a control freak. I would like to know where my money goes, the flows of my investment as well as how much money I have at every single moment of a day. I have cultured a habit where every time I make a transaction, it has to be recorded so that I know the exact balance of my money.

And that, is just one aspect. To sum it up, I’m never good at pooling my things with someone else’s and put it to good use. Especially now, I have come to a point I refuse to let anyone follow me to watch a movie sometimes. Correction, most of the time. Yes, it is that bad.

If this is the case, then how oh how can I learn to share, to live with another person where I have to make sacrifices every single day? No, no, do not get me wrong. I absolutely adore individuals who agreed to go into a marriage, to be absolutely understanding, putting aside their ego and all. It was something that I cannot imagine myself doing so now. As in during this very moment.

It is a trouble really because so many times I ask myself, why am I not ready? I see a lot of young women, some of those my friends who are less than 25 years old, getting prepared for marriage or admitting that they are ready. Then why am I, someone who are at least four years older than them, cannot imagine doing so? Skipping the topic entirely and have no single idea what I look for in a husband.

I look at my grandparents and they have been married for more than 50 years. They met when grandmother was just a teenager and my grandfather four years older than her. They never dated, it was an arranged marriage. Same goes with my mother and late father. They never dated yet, only death separated them.

And then I look around me and I see marriages based on love collapse, not withstanding the second year. I do understand that the cases do not represent all my friends’ marriages but if they can’t hold it together, then how can I be so sure I can do so?

‘ Do I really, absolutely have to fall in love to get married or it can be a mutual partnership based on respect that will grow stronger as years go by?’

This is one of the many questions that have been playing on my mind. Honestly, I’m tired of the dating game. To get my mother to match me with someone is totally out of the question. But then again, I would like to a least know who am I going to end up with later in the future.

See, total chaos.

People say that maternal instinct is plugged deeply into my genes and I would instantly craving for babies when I see one. But that was not the case. I look at a baby and did some mental calculation, knowing full well how expensive it is to raise a baby. Instead of hearing kompang sounds, I hear the sweet sound cash register.

I’m very lucky that I rarely get the questions ‘ when are you getting married’ (usually answered ‘ 5pm’) or ‘when are we going to eat your nasi minyak’ (standard answer: no problem. Tomorrow meet me at Syed KJ, I’ll treat you to nasi minyak) but believe me, I am yet to feel ready for marriage.

And someone did say ‘ if you are not ready when you are 26, you will never be ready.’

Honestly, I do not know how to react to that.