Unsent Letter

Dude, hey.

    Thanks again for helping us today, even though you’re not that well. You’re always willing to lend a hand every time I need it. I know you’re that nice of a person, but sometimes it feels like I’m using you, even though I never meant that.

    Just now, when you arrived with her, I felt a bit jealous. I know it’s not my place, but somehow I couldn’t help it. I’m sorry. We’re just friends, right? Not more, not less. And yet, I still felt that way. She’s a nice kid, I like her. A lot. Really, really like her a lot.
But when she told me she’s that close to you, in the deepest part of my heart, I loathed her. It’s not her fault, nor was it yours. It was mine, and that made me think I’m the worst person on earth. I like her, and yet, I loathed her because she’s damn close to you.

    Why couldn’t I be enough with what friendship you gave me? I don’t want more, I don’t want to burden you with more. Not when I have these emotional baggages from my pasts. Not when I’m still dark and broody, and not when the scar in my heart is so easily bleed. I am so afraid of rejection, so afraid of losing what relationship I have with you to revel in this feeling. Not when you know about my crush. Who, sadly, turns out to be only a two-year rebound.

I don’t want to be close to you, in case I’ll fall deeper. But I don’t want not to be close to you, because I don’t want to lose you.

What should I do?