Hush

“I miss him, still.” She said. We were sitting on the somewhat rusted swing set not far from her house. It was fairly quiet for a Friday evening; playgrounds are not as popular as it was before with parents preferring their children to play indoors. Our swings creaked as we moved in a synchronized rhythm.

She was expecting a respond. I did not know what else to say. Today was his anniversary, of his death. Three years since he had gone missing, since he was presumed dead. Three years since I have seen her smile a real smile. She does not believe he is gone. “I see him in my dreams, he told me to wait.” She told me once, on his birthday a few weeks back.

His body was never found. They never found the rest of the passengers either. The plane crashed somewhere in the South China Sea and dispersed. Not a trace found. It was an unsolved case.

I remember, the moment I heard about it. The first thing that I remembered was her. It was just a thought, a thought that to this day pulls me into a bundle of guilt. The moment I heard that he might be gone forever; I thought “Maybe, she can be mine now.”

“I’m in love with her. I told her that yesterday. You should have seen her face. I don’t know why she looked surprised but yeah… she didn’t expect it.” He told me once. I smiled and did my duty as a supporting best friend. I was happy for him, really.

She was one of my best friends too. When he was gone, I stood by her. I comforted her, I was there for her. She went into shock for the first three weeks. She is still in shock now.

Once during a sleepover, she was talking in her dream, about him. She was telling him to not go, that she loves him. That she was sorry. I don’t know why she was sorry. I remember, lying next to her. My heart ached as she woke up with a startle, her body shaking. She was crying. I wrapped my arms around her and pull her back to bed, stroking her hair and whispering calming words.

I knew, then, that I love her. No. I was in love with her.

The day he was confirmed missing, I had a dream myself. Of him. We were in the mamak stall that we usually hang out at, ordering our usual drinks and Naan. He pinched my cheek and told me that even though she’s his girlfriend, I am still his best girl buddy in the world. Then, he told me to take care of her. He told me to take care of myself. He told me to go find love.

“Don’t move! There’s a butterfly on your head!” She whispered, bringing me back to the present. I turned my head slowly towards her, she was smiling. She was staring somewhere above me with a glimpse of her real smile. “How silly…”She muttered, her eyes following the departing butterfly. I could not get my eyes of her.

“I love you.” I blurted out. I felt myself turning red, my body tensed. I could not believe I said that. Her eyes snapped at me. And then she laughed. That all out laughter that I haven’t heard since that tragic February.

“Of course you do! I love you too, silly! You’re my best friend!” She said, rolling her eyes and hugging me lightly. I laughed with her.

And then I said, “And yes, I miss him too…But I know, wherever he is, he’s fine. Because he knows we’re fine…”

She was smiling now, that smile of hers. I smiled back. I knew better than to hope.

He wants me to be here for her and I am. I’m doing this for him and for her. And for myself.

Our swings creaked louder as we pushed ourselves against the ground, going faster and higher. Her eyes were closed, her face calm.

I knew then, this is how it should be.

And that I’m okay. And she’ll be okay, too.