(To AJ --- eventho we no longer live together 24/7, my dear ex-rumate, our life still intertwined together in similar fate… am glad to find strength in yours…XOXO)
I woke up with headache, about to take panadol active fast but managed to remind myself that I am fasting today. Huh, close call.
Been feeling under the rain lately, it’s the quarterly age crisis said my best friend thus a start of all ridiculous torrent of thoughts that made me sat in front of my laptop at my office writing these nonsense when I should be doing my reports. Having ADD is such a welcoming distraction at times; I’ll be all OCD tonight when I am more insane.
Yeah, all the symptoms are there…the tightening of the chest, the freaking out, the simple questions but not-so-simple answers and more freaking out, the faraway blank look and the sighing, I am experiencing all the 7 stages of quarterly age crises as per stated below (courtesy by Dr. AJ)
Stage 1: There's a tight knot in your chest
Stage 2: Then you start thinking.. What the heck am I feeling?
Stage 3: I don't think I'm good enough…
Stage 4: Am I going to achieve my dreams by doing what I'm doing right now?
Stage 5: Am I doing it right?
Stage 6: OMG. What if I'll never make it? What if something bad happens along the way? What if this? What if that? So the endless "What if's" continues..
Stage 7: Freak out to the max
STOP!!! Take a deep breathe and rationalize, it’s NORMAL to feel this way. Lay out your options, know what you want and decide from your current situation
PANIC ATTACK!! I DUN EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT!!!
Ok…ok…Generally, yes, I want to be successful in my work, yes of coz I want to get married and have kids hell yeah I want to be HAPPY
In order to have all of that what should I do?
Depressive mode… I dunno what to do…then, down comes the rain of depressive, evil, ridiculous, self-beating, thoughts
1) I won’t be happy, there is no way I can be happy, since there is hole in my heart and all of the happiness pours inside will never make it full again
2) No one will look at me since I am Nothing, I have nothing,
3) I don’t like myself,
4) No one can ever accept me
On and on the list goes… since I am bloody good at beating myself down and the more downcast my eyes look, the more narrow my view is
This lasted for quite a while…then, here comes the light in a figure of a friend and what she has wrote and said:
Z, the wall is built by you, yeah it is safe and comfy, but how can u love unconditionally when you don’t tear it down?
At times, keep your thoughts and listen I know you are opinionated and expressive but listen and don’t jump into conclusion too fast. Learn Patience
Life is full with so many things and surprises to make up with nothing that u have…You only need to learn how to look in the most unlooked ways…Open Ur eyes, gurl, you have so much around you.
Another good friend said, God don’t give you what you want, God give you what you need…so, everything that happens is for your own good if you look at it positively (err…honestly to keep up the positive attitude is mind-blowing challenging, G)
Well, of coz those entire well thought advices didn’t get through the thick skull of mine on and on I brood til one day, I kinda fed up with myself and Tink!! There goes the bulb
My OCDish obsession towards the details makes me blind towards what is important, I wasn’t free, and I was bounded by what I think I HAVE TO DO
I have to do this; I have to do that, I have to focus on my careers, worrying on how things will turn out, where I will be in 5 years time, how successful I will be…when should I get married, when will I have kids bla yadi yada da
As my dearest friends said…you WORRY TOO MUCH… yup, all of these thoughts lead to worries and worries preventing me seeing the BIG PICTURE
And my Picture of what I want is actually very simple…The answers to the question of what I want are…I want success, I want a family, and I want to be happy and feeling content with what I am and what I have
Well, yeah, really anti climax…I sounded normal, wanting of course, what everyone wants but by simply knowing and wanting is different from being aware of what you want…it feels good to have that sense of awareness, the feeling of your view expanding and you are aware of what is around you…the feeling I AM HERE, in the present savoring every bit of my existence
Hitherto, this is the oaths (from AJ) that I will try to keep
I don’t care on HOW I will get to my true happiness…I just KNOW I will get there
I won't think about how it's going to be like along the way 'cause where's the fun in that right?? Plus, hard work pays off. Gonna enjoy the process more than the end result
I will let go and go with the flow and be prepared to get hurt.
I will have no regrets.
I will only hope for the best for my dear ones
I will accept them with their weaknesses
I will accept my weaknesses
I will embrace life
I will be happy
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1) bersyukur is one of cara untuk capai happiness
good luck in finding it arasis!
- 10 years ago