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Daftar Sekarang!

But I did.

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  • nurin
  • 11 years ago
  • 5,055
  • FREE


I have never really favoured him due to his obnoxious and irritating demeanour, but those pair of ravishingly beautiful eyes of his was rather intriguing. They have a certain undefinable sparkle to them. Alluring and sensual, with a touch of mischief. For one whole year, the only thing I could do was envying them from far far away, wishing to have such perfect eyes, and wondering what it would be like to stare into them – not that I would like to.

We were destined to be in the same class for the following year which was 2011. You will never know how much pain one’s bearing until you, yourself experience it. That was exactly what happened to me. I had never intended to believe in what people said about him, but it turned out that it was all true after all. If there was an award of ‘The Most Annoying Person In The Universe’, he could have won all by himself.

As we were classmates, he took every chance he had to have conversations with me. It was okay at first, but as time went by, it was just too much, that I then doubted his intentions of even talking to me. The only answer he gave was ‘it was just a way for me to approach you’. Why would you even bother to? But I kept it in, all the way.

One night, I was studying all by myself in the class, doing my own thing without even bother to look around and then someone pulled the chair next to mine. The sweet smell it was, no doubt, it must be him. Then there he was, starting to talk about something  - all that I could remember of was that I actually enjoyed the conversation. And it didn’t just end there, the same thing repeated itself almost every night. And one day, he started to tell me things he didn’t do to anyone else. I didn’t know how it happened, but it just did. He told me a lot of his secrets, and I, in return told him some of mine too, just to pay him justice.

I have never been so close with any guy, and that feeling you get whenever you are with your best friend, that was exactly how I felt. I could never ask God for anyone better than him. Everything went smoothly until one day, it all just, gone! He drove me up the walls that I couldn’t even look at his face. He kept on trying to piss me off whenever I was happy. It was as if I wasn’t allowed to have fun. He would always be there whenever I had the time of my life, and just ruined everything. He said nasty things to me, he tried to threaten me of telling all my secrets to others. He was being a total jerk! And the worst part was that I didn’t even know what I did wrong. And since then, we did not talk to each other for months.

The fight lasted for three months – three empty months.  I have never felt so lost. Yet he successfully did make me feel so. I was irrevocably shocked and touched that he apologized to me in public, that one night. Amazed and dumbstruck, I wrote him a letter to seek for his forgiveness too, though I didn’t know what my fault was.

Things got better, eventually. Although we weren’t as close as we were before, but knowing that we were finally okay, made me feel a little bit better – actually, a whole lot better. I couldn’t possibly remember of how we made it, but a month after, we became so much closer that people thought we were in love. And just to make it clear, we were not. He had a girlfriend already – and he still does.

A love guru, an image consultant, a vocal trainer, a study partner, he was. And above all, a best friend. We were invincible. We met, talked, laughed together everyday. And when it’s a school’s off day, he’d seek every possible reason to at least watch me – even if it’s from a distance away.

One day, he sang me The Beatles’ I Want To Hold Your Hand with his angelic voice. I took it as a joke as I know it was. But then he pulled his hand out, looked directly into my eyes and told me that it was a no joke. Those beautiful eyes! They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and as cliché as it may sounds, it was rather true. However, the picture of his girlfriend came into my mind right at that moment, and I did what I had to do. I pushed his hands away with a book and tried to crack some more jokes. The jokes weren’t even funny, but at least they stopped him – but not for long.

I didn’t know what game he was trying to play, but I chose to just play along. I just had it in my heart and mind, that I would never get trapped in the game because as time went by, I got the beat of the rhythm correct, perfectly. Starting from that day onwards, he kept on telling me that he liked me so much, he couldn’t resist anymore. But I, on the contrary, would always remind him of how temporary it all would be, and that he had such a perfect girlfriend, waiting for him to finally finish his high school year, as she did a year before us. He wasn’t cheating on her I’m telling you. It just happened to be that way because how much resemblance I was to his girlfriend. That was the perfect reason of why I felt my heart was so protected, and that I would never actually fall for him.

Finally, it was SPM. Those were the days when we had this overwhelming urge to meet every day, and study together. The only time when I really had the time to myself was at night, as girls and boys were not allowed to go up to the school, and had to stay in our hostels respectively. But he would call me, almost every night, right before he went to sleep. And I would actually wait for his phone calls, for then only my eyes would know the definition of tired. It just happened, until one day he asked me to actually be his. But then he was sleepy, he wouldn’t really know what he was saying. I asked him to just hang up, and sleep. He would never know how my heart actually screamed saying I would.

SPM  was finally over. And so were we. We met for one last time. It was rather quiet and awkward – in sort of a good way. He started to apologize beforehand, that if things would change afterwards, to the fact that I might be busy. But both of us knew that the person he actually meant was him. He said that he yet, had some kind of feeling that the bond between him and I, would last long. I cut his words off, and said, ‘Hey, things change. Things will change.’ That was when my phone rang, and we both looked at each other. That was the last of it, we knew it. And there he was, having this meaningful liquid rolling down his cheeks. He held his hand out, for one last time, and I did what I have always done, smiled and cherished the very last moment of the two of us together.

Now, here I am, writing the heart content out, trying to fight the very tears that have been longing to be jerked since a month ago. I haven’t heard from him for awhile now. I would never even text him first, let alone to give him a call, since he once reminded me not to look for him if he doesn’t look for me first. And so I never will. As much of a jerk I made him sounds, he actually once warned me of never to trust him. I was perfectly sure that I would never do, but I thought wrong. I did trust him, and now, it is all getting back at me. I deserve this.   

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