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Daftar Sekarang!

Tortured: Missing The Light.


As I evoked all the experience which I had learnt through out my entire journey in this long and endless path of legacy, sometimes and somehow, I felt ill and exhausted with those wretched clans who always claimed that they are the only one who uphold the truth, while the clans other than themselves and everybody else are erroneous. But as I seek the opposing side’s opinions, they claimed the other way around – it is they are the one who are the truth, and the opposing side, is void.

Why did this malevolence perceptions do occur in the mind of the most well-being creature in this realm of intelligence? Why it should happen? Why it is so hard to balance the mind, as to create freedom and openness towards the uncertainties of the unknown width limit of knowledge? Why do people rather seek to discuss more on events and people instead of the idea of the knowledge itself? My mind could not bear anymore the pain and agony of these unanswered matters which swirled through out my sympathetic tortured head. Only then I realized. I need to find the key, to unlock, and thus unleash this chained rabid animal in my mind as to explore the behavioral for such act of the human beings.

But even if I do release the struggled beast, where will it leads me to? Does the beast really will lead me to somewhere, or will it just pour its entire trapped and imprisoned wrath towards me, because it is I who imprisoned it this whole time? Do I really will find the answers, or just another sadistic pain to bear with for all eternity? And most important thing of all, will I still gain control of creating my destiny in this Kingdom of Me, or will I become just like them, slowly depleting my own will, inimitable self, and forced to be someone I do not want to be?

I realized, long ago, before I became the one you sought to see right now, I walked the earth side by side with that beast. We share the same vision, and we synchronized each every course of our actions to craft, manipulate and employ the master plan of darkness as to seek power and the dignity of the so called ‘truth’. Yes, I was once like those clans. And with my reliable beast, we plunged to plunder all the loots of those who oppose us. We took everything from them, and give them nothing in return, including the chance of forgiveness and to start all over again.

There is no such thing as regret at that time. Ruthless is the key. The most important thing is to keep demolishing the enemies and obliterate the colonization of the opposing sides without even having a glance of their anguish and wounded injuries neither before nor after the battles. Either kill or be killed. Those barbaric, sadistic and sarcastic acts have merged completely in our veins as if we were one. Yes, we were one hell of a team, my faithful beast. Until the moment where we fought each other just because I trust ‘The Outsider’ more than you.

The Outsider has revealed to me the light, the very diminutive light – the end of the never-ending tunnel. I, who strayed my whole life in darkness, trapped and entangled in the depth of this hellish endless labyrinth, at last found the one whom I thought as the savior of this endless torment who will grant me freedom, peace, and love the escape route from this madness and nothingness.

But you had seen the consequences far more early than me. You had the comprehension that I don’t. You already knew that I will be in peril, and thus you averted me by all means from departing with The Outsider into the light. The only verdict is to battle ourselves. Thus, we fought as if our soul were dependant on it. But unfortunately, I have the upper hand, while you didn’t. I have The Outsider at my side to aid me towards my destiny. In the end, it turned out to be an iniquitous battle. I, had won.



Didn’t we do all those through out our time together towards our enemies? But there was a very immense divergence between fighting the enemies and fighting you, my beast; I felt regret. And through that sentiment, I spare you your existence, your life. Thus, I have no other alternative but to detain you. Imprisoned you in the pitch of darkness, chained you beneath my own shadow of existence. We are one, but yet, you could not taste the essence of freedom like we were before.

With wounded heart, inclined by the regret that I could not forget, I follow The Outsider towards the end of the tunnel. Hoping I would find peace and tranquility in the other side – the bright side – to end this torture of emptiness and regret that I have worn for decades. And towards the unknown world, I consign my conviction, hope and trust solely to The Outsider that I had only known for just a flick of my lifespan.

It went well in the beginning. As I approached nearer to the exit of the tunnel, the scene became brighter. I could see many things, such beautiful things outside of the tunnel. Yet, still from afar, from the inside of the dark tunnel. And slowly I could see The Outsider who accompanied me towards the light. Such, wondrous creature with such soft gesture. I was astonished with such beauty.

As I arrived at the outside realm, everything was clear to my sight. And I could see The Outsider undoubtedly with my own eyes. I was amazed. And in that situation I pledge to put all my hope and future to be a good servant of The Outsider, because The Outsider itself was the one which showed me to the greatness of another realm.

But it could not last too long. The Outsider wished to continue its very own journey to another realm, the brightest side of all – the source of the light itself, the sun. I tried to prevent it, but in vain. What we had in the present realm was enough, far better than the darkness which imprisoned me itself. But I could not alter The Outsider’s obstinate judgment.

I already knew that it was worthless to fight. Perhaps, I shall end up like my own beast if I attempt to fight. Only then I realized the similarity of the circumstances as if it has happened before – the struggle with my own beast. I knew what will happen to me if I follow The Outsiderto the hot blazing sun – annihilation. Yet, I followed, to prove my allegiance towards it because I had nothing with me at all, except The Outsider.

As we journeyed towards the sun, my skin began to burn. My eyes were in pain, trying to accumulate the massive light rushing through the retina. Unspeakable pain, relentless agony, time ceased to exist. Only this torture defeating hatred against hypocrisy that damned me to this hell. I can’t go on any further. While the Outsider, felt the same pain and agony like me, it was as if The Outsider was hypnotized by the outer beauty of the sunlight, yet hazardous.

I tried to pull The Outsider from destroying itself. Yet, in vain. The temptation that it faced are too great, too strong, compared to my puny little strength. Thus, I had no choice but to let The Outsider swindled by the death of its own choice. And with my own painful eyes, I sought to see The Outsider perished, burnt to ashes and demolished. My heart shattered. All the trust, hope and belief that I placed in The Outsider were blistered with it.

Only then I knew, this is the feeling of being deceived, that my beast had once felt for what I had done to it. The misery of uselessness and cannot do anything to amend the situation. The torture of being haunted by the vision of the betrayal over and over again.

As I arrived on the land, all of the things that I had seen were insignificant to me now. They were meaningless and could not seize the magnitude of the bigger torture – loneliness. Slowly, my vision became darker due to the injury of overburdened capacity of light. I knew I was beginning to lose my sight. Thus, I returned to my previous place. Whether blinded in the bright world, or living in darkness in the depth of the abyss, what is the difference anyway?

And yet, before my vision completely gone for all eternity, I laid my last gaze to my chained and imprisoned beast. And I would not forget its look towards me at that time. The stare of emptiness, loneliness and nothingness. Not a single emotion in it. And that, was my last vision. And now, I am completely blind. But still, the torture still goes on and on. Not just darkness, emptiness and loneliness. Much worse than before; the torture of longing the brightness and warmth of the light. If only I listened to my formerly faithful beast before, never seen the light, and most of all, never seduced by The Outsider, the sufferings may be lesser.

Now, I have found the key to unlock the prison of my beast; ruthlessness is the key. And right now, I am standing right in front of the prison itself, holding the very key in my very own hand which imprisoned it. Should I unlock and unleash the beast? Or should I not? Will I gain the answers to my questions or will I face my own destruction? Are the answers lie solely dependant on the beast? Or perhaps, the key itself is the answer for the blind hearted man who cannot see anything? Yes, part of the answer itself is already in the key. Ruthlessness..!

It is that sentiment that evokes the inconsiderate and obdurateness of the clans to claim that they are the one with the truth, while others are incorrect. Why it is so? Because we set our own mind to treat others as if they were meaningless and useless creatures. And that is why it affects the stubbornness of one’s self to refuse to listen to others. And even if they do, they will just mock the person who spoke, or the contradictions of the events in the ideas. May be that is why:

Small minds discuss about people. Big minds discuss about events. Wise minds discuss about ideas.”

Thus, should I release this beast or not?

To unleash, or not to unleash?

I still don’t know..

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  • 1)

    i lost count on how many times that i hv to open merriam-webster online just to know the meaning of some words u written. Seriously, thanks for improving my vocab.

    I think it's all about braveness. Are we brave enough to think (and work) outside the box? Or just lay down and follow the flow and expect things to change accordingly.

    Sometimes, braveness may get us isolated. But, are we capable to change our enviroment just because we dont fit to live with them? 

    Genzo, 5 stars from me. 

  • (Author)
    2) We should thank Microsoft Words for giving us the opportunity to enhance our vocab. To tell you the truth, I just use "taktik tiru assignment atau report" only - just change some words from a normal ordinary writing. But in this writing, my own la. No ciplak one. If we can use that technique to other documents, why not we use it in our own docs? Wink
  • 3) light rushing thru the retina ? i tot cornea.. light lands on retina to produce images. ah, correct me if im wrong. taram je :p

    doest look like short story. or it is ? jo, u shud add some new category la under this prose section.
  • 4) this is blogging i suppose?
  • 5) uhh, genjo.. same way here... long live MS Word Thesaurus.
  • 6)

    love this piece.

    ahh decisions. i take days and maybe weeks to make up my mind. there's always the issue of pros and cons to be taken in.

    i'm always the wrong person to ask opinions for.

  • (Author)


    I agree..

    Sometimes the decision itself is the type that 'makan tuan' like the beast.

  • 8) genjo: too true. ah nothing is fixed neways. life is like a straw.. it sucks!
  • 9) life is like a straw? *tak paham
  • 10)

    u use a straw to drink water or beverages whatsoever right? you had to suck the straw to get to the liquid. soo... as life sucks, it is similar to straw. get me?


  • 11) ohhh.. hehe. got u. thanks
  • 12) im someone who doesn't write in bombastic words coz one, i stopped writing in new words and its meanings in my high school vocab book after spm so you can tell that my vocab level is 2-3 years backdated. two, im complicated but i express my thoughts and feelings in simplest words that i myself can comprehend. three, perhaps im not deep enough which i really wish i am. nevertheless, this is such a beautiful piece. i know i'll never be able to write something like this, you had your direction in the beginning, with your strong metaphor and stick to it till the end. brilliant! :D
  • 13) this so called postmodern era, even The Outsider may be the real beast, or tomakemycommentworst: Yourselft (with capital Y)

    but, bout yr writing, i have no idea to comment yr tatabahasa but instead your truth seeking.

    the truth is what we believe in. dont give a fuck bout what others think of you. build yr idea to err bank in bit of yr money in my account maybe?
  • 14) this is a beautiful piece indeed.

    though i have to admit, i had a hard time trying to understand your writing and had to slowly process each line.
    which gave me an idea of my current vocab level.
    i realise that i still have much more to learn thanks to this piece.

    this is brilliant!

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