Unsent Letter

Hi,

  I hope Southampton suits you well. I'm sorry for unanswered phone calls, unreplied emails and being invisible to you. Sorry for changing my phone number without telling you.

  Yeah, it took me a good few months to write this, I know. If you happen to stumble upon this, you know who should accept this.

  Tell me I'm just stupid, tell me I'm just having fun toying with your heart. But understand me that I did this for us. Not just for you, not just purely for me. I really didn't do this out of despise. You are the best things that has ever happened in my life, why should I despise you? But days certainly turn into months, and months will become years. I hate to tie you down. I don't want your heart to be half here, half there. You have to have it all. 

  Just let time decide and please don't make any judgement. It's barely six months and the phrase 'Maybe we're meant to be for each other' are just unacceptable. I'm practical, therefore I don't really dig fantasies. Don't try to pull the Jerry McGuire thingy because then I will become so cynical, we will become sworn enemies.

  Two years is just a blink of an eye, we both know that. So, let it rest and don't try to waste your energy.

  I'm fine, absolutely fine. I just haven't got the strength to reply you one. I know this is crazy, we shouldn't have crossed the line. It was never your fault, believe me. We can plan everything under the sun but we both know that Allah will have the final say on it.

  Back to you, I'm happy to read your stories. I imagine you are having the time of your life over there. I'm happy that you have great colleagues and waiting to tutor others. Your recollection on the failed rendang made me laugh and you know how hard I can laugh. So, not everything is lost there.

  Thanks for remembering my birthday. You never changed, you know. In all the excitement, you never manage to wish me exactly on the same date. This year, you wished it too early but who cares? For me, it's the thought that counts. And thanks for the "mediocre slideshow" that you sent me. It must be hard for a computer-dyslexic like you to compose it all. One of these days, I will certainly send you an email to ask how did you manage it. But not today, tomorrow and most probably not next week.

  Thanks for all the trouble of scanning Malaysian papers on a daily basis and bringing up the topics. I didn't know you are an avid reader. And keeping track on the Grey's Anatomy thingy. I forced you to watched that once, I clearly remembered. How can I forget the bored look on your face?

  And now, you said that you watched the re runs just to remember someone.

  I somehow don't believe long-distance relationships. Anything can happen over there. Anything can happen over here. I forbid me to make any promises because we don't know anything about the future.

  And so Monsieur A, I bid you goodnight. I hope, tomorrow you will open your eyes and decide that I'm just a friend. I will be waiting for that moment and when it comes, I will be penning lots of letters to you again.

P/S: Another very good friend is planning to go to LA. She will be meeting Angelina Jolie (sort of) and I will be sitting here, missing another person that I love so so so much.